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Rants from a Jamaican British Woman

Wednesday, March 05, 2003

I have found the perfect answer to replace the torture of going to the gym. Blogging! Blogging is the new working out. Doesn't loose you many pounds. In fact it doesn't loose you any pounds. But it's good fun. Having said that, my fingers are considerably slimmer as is my angst.............

.: posted by womanist 12:49 PM


Just very occasionally I have wished I could be transported back to my very small village (not on the map) in Jamaica where I was born and brought up. Today has been one of those days. I don't of course want to be transported back as the over weight middle-aged woman that I have become, but rather as the small playful girl I once was.

My day today has not been good, though I am aware that there has been at least one extremely good bit. I woke again this morning feeling healthy and well. And that in human terms is worth everything. So why am I groaning again?
Today I decided to spend a peaceful day at home working. The idea was that I would have no distractions from colleagues, or they from me, and I could get out a solid bit of work. Wrong!

Everyone to whom I pay a bill and they are many seems to have taken it upon themselves to turn my day into a horrible nightmare. First my mortgage company took it upon themselves to swap my full repayment mortgage to a part repayment mortgage without consulting me. However, they neglected to change the sum of money they took from my account. Infact they kindly doubled it. So far, none of the dozens of staff that I have spoken to have been able to enlighten me on why my mortgage has been changed and why they have cleaned out my bank account. My money appears to have disappeared into cyberspace with no one able to tell me how it can be retrieved. As if life had not become complicated enough, I received a telephone call from the people with whom I have my critical life assurance to tell me that they have no record of me having taken out this insurance. It did not seem to matter to them that I have 2 copies of the policy they sent me, nor did it seem to matter that they too are busy depleting my bank account of its limited funds.

To add insult to injury, my expensive computer crashed and despite having a 4-year warranty which cost a bloody fortune, I had to repair the darn thing myself, albeit with the helpful advice of engineers over the telephone. (I have to say computer engineers and BT broadband engineers are dead helpful) I still wish though that they would just send me out a broad shoulder hunk to do the job. When your only interest in computers, is to do a few things in word, send and read emails and do a bit of blogging. Suddenly finding that you have been elevated to computer engineer, is boring and painful to the extreme. All this Ikea do it yourself shite is getting on my flipping nerves. I have just had my house scaffolded in readiness for a new roof, etc. etc. When the lorry arrived with the scaffolds, I half expected the two blokes who turned up to say "here you are luv, take dem dere poles and put em all around de house like. We'll be back tomorrow wid yuh tiles. Should take you a day or two to wack those on de roof. If you ave any trouble, jus give us a call on dis number and we'll talk you through it".

I mean where do all these people get off. You pay a flipping fortune for a load of bloody gadgets. You insure them up to the hilt, yet the minute one of them go wrong, no one is willing to replace it or come out and fix it. All you end up with is this dismembered voice at the end of the telephone.

Welcome to...............

If you have a star button on your telephone please press 1 now.
press.......

You try to ignore the request, hoping that a human being will take pity on you and pick up, but no...

I am sorry I did not hear your request... You are a darn machine, you can't hear anything..

Please choose from the following options...

For frustration press 1...............
For anger press 2..............
For jumping off a very tall building from frustration and anger, please press 3.............

For all other useless and unhelpful services, please hold, and a customer service advisor will be with you shortly - shortly?
ring, ring,..............

You are currently being held in a queue.......
you are 1 million in the queue................
your waiting time will be approximately 100 years.......

queue awful music...............silence

I am sorry to keep you waiting, an advisor will be with you shortly........shortly?

Good afternoon, sorry to keep you waiting.

My name is Dis mem bered voice............
Can I have your life story please?
And how can I help you?

Sorry, you have come through to the wrong department - surprise! surprise! I will put you through to the correct department. Like hell! ... several wrong departments later. It is of course incumbent upon you the caller that you repeat your life story to every witless advisor whose department you enter.

So here goes again..........

For security purposes I now need to ask you a few thousand questions..............
Name?... Yvonne........
Postcode? .......
first line of address?.............
your mother's maiden name?...........
your mother's mother maiden name - her grandmother's maiden name?
Your slave owner's name?
And madam where about's in Africa did your ancestors hail from?
And madam final question - when was the last time you did a blog?

Thank you madam,,,,,,,,,,, and how can I help you?

These are the days that I wish I was that little girl. No house, no bank account, no gadgets, no gadgets!!! just my pretty little frocks, lots of mangoes.........those odd trips to town which were so exciting. All these darn posessions take up far too much valuable time and energy.

See you again soon.

.: posted by womanist 7:40 AM